The Confession

The Husband lay dying. The Wife was by his bedside.

He said in a tired voice,"There's something I must confess."

"Shhh". said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's all right."

"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mom!"

"I know," she whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes.

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail.
I got locked up for beat'n the shit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10
your instincts kick in.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

An elderly lady from New York goes on safari in Africa,she's abducted by a gorilla who has his way with her and then sets her free,after arriving back home her friends commisserate with her,oh how terrible,how awful,she replies,the worst of it is that he does'nt write,he does'nt call........

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about it.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did, did he???"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora.......The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much raise do you want?"