How to (Not) Run a Business In Mexico

1) Never pay your phone bill on time. Customers are loyal and will wait until you get around to paying it. As they all have the "manana" attitude, as long as you aren't an emergency room doctor, and they haven't lost 3 pints of blood, they will wait.

2) Don't worry about having credit on your cell phone. Even though your cell phone number is on your business cards, people can always call the office number, well when you do get around to paying the bill. If the cell phone number on your business cards is wrong well people will figure it out after calling and Maria answering and denying knowing you for the third time.

3) Change your phone number every year. It makes for a great guessing game that the whole family can play. People will always try to track you down in the street and ask around instead of just calling somebody else so don't worry.

4) Don't return phone calls or emails. Your time is way too important and everybody in Mexico knows only a fool would expect a call back, voicemail is for suckers and email is for geeks. Anyways when pressed you can always say that it went into the "spam" folder and you never got it and don't know how that happened, berate your customer for writing you an email that your computer thought was spam.

5) Always hire local kids and the very first ones to apply. Remember there are many fine kids who never went to junior high school or cared about their education because they were hoping someone like you would open a store soon and they wanted to work for you. Never mind they can barely write, have no skills and will probably steal more than you pay them. Also note that if these one are waiters, they have amazing memories and are also mind readers and savants. They don't need to write down the order of the table and even though it seems like they got it wrong, you really needed to eat the fish instead of the steak you ordered as your body needed the fish oil, unbeknown to you. Never think about how a person can support themselves, i.e. if they need $8,000 pesos a month to pay their bills and part time working for you they get $5,000, god will give them the balance and they'd never steal from you, after all they have a small child and would you lock up a mom and take them away from the child (SUCKER).

6) The waiter / waitress also is an important part of the community network. They shall, prior to attending to the newly arrived guests chat with all the other staff, and also do the same after taking drink orders but before turning them in and same with meal orders. Sometime important, earthshaking events are unfolding such as Maria is having a second kid and now she has narrowed down who might be the father to 3 people. This kind of information is more important than the diner's food. Also it prevents the food from coming to the table too hot, thereby preventing lawsuits for burning oneself on the food, thereby avoiding costly lawsuits.

7) If there is a store where there have been a rash of car breakins, don't hire private security. This will stop the window shoppers and dawdlers and make people get in and out very fast, thereby eliminating the need for so much staff to attend to the shoppers as there will be few there at the same time.

8 ) A posted schedule of hours such as 10 am to 4pm is good, especially if you don't really stick to those time frames. Customers know that good things come to those who wait and they like waiting. The real fun is to see how long the suckers wait outside the business before figuring out that you aren't coming in that day or you've closed up shop. good time to install a spy camera.

9) Everyone loves a good treasure hunt and if you move your business (or close it), don't tell anybody, let them have the excitement of arriving only to see everything gone one day (while you were just there yesterday). This is an especially fun treasure hunt game for those who paid you a deposit on something and now they want it back!

10) Always get a deposit whenever you can, the bigger the better. This should always be used for drugs, liquor, paying back a loan shark that will beat you up but almost never should be used to buy the materials to work on the gringo's project.

11) Don't learn English. After all this is your country and not theirs. This will also allow you and your staff to speak in Spanish and mock the customer behind their back and they will have no clue what you are saying, must smile. Also you can then easily place the blame on the client for anything that goes wrong because they don't speak Spanish.

12) Never keep inventory and never keep popular items in stock. This will require repeated trips back by the consumer and perhaps they will purchase other items on each trip back, thereby increasing sales. When asked when you will have more in stock always tell them to check back "manana."

13) Help the older gringos strengthen their mental abilities. Always add up the check or bill wrong and not in their favor. They will thank you for allowing them to exercise their brain and if they don't catch the mistake, well at least you tried to help them with mental exercises!

14) You as a cook or waitperson can help Mexico as well as save lives. Make sure to offer smaller portions as most gringos need to lose weight, also make sure to water down the drinks so it will be impossible for anybody to get drunk and then drive drunk.

15) Never sign a long term lease, gringos love treasure hunts and will love to go on a hunt to find where you've moved to, these suckers will even keep looking for you if you've gone out of business or left the state, also allows the landlord to make extra money too as he will jack your rent up once he sees groups of gringos at your place thereby strong arming you in to paying more or doing what everybody else does, up and leaves and then the landlord is broke again.

16) Never carry change. It prevents robberies as there is nothing in the till. Customers should always carry exact change, after all they are the ones who leave the house in the morning knowing they will buy something. If they don't have change then you can pawn them off on one of the other shopkeepers to make change and hopefully increase their sales too!

17) The human mind is a powerful thing. Don't bother wasting a tree by putting anything in writing as we all have good memories and in the event of a dispute we can use our power of instant recall and we will all have the same recollection / intentions.

18) Always trust advice from other gringos, especially those who have failed miserably, they can be the best source of advice as they lost their business and everything else and (hopefully) learned from it. The ones that were successful did very well (nobody here has border promotions) and the successful ones can guide you through the maze of issues here. Many a successful business man lives here in Mexico and rents a home in a humble area and drives a 10 year old Japanese car or doesn't have a car. It is part of their secret persona to avoid kidnappers and aggressive panhandlers.

Spencer, I sent you an email and left a voice message the other day. You haven't got back to me yet. I finally called your place this morning and some kid named Maria answered the phone and said her "baby daddy" wouldn't be around until he woke up........

What gives.........Jeje

Bob

Love that video, really got my blood racing.
If you don't feel the call for the old perverbally NEED FOR SPEEEEEEED, can't explain it to ya.
When i was home last week tok my Ducati bike out for a quick spin. God what a rush pushing thru the gearbox 0-100 in.......well we leave that alone for now

This one is especially true since waiters usually make only tips from their clients and Spencer's post happens pretty often when the owner is not around. However I did recently tell the owner of Pannina that her staff was the best I've ever seen in 12 years of living here. I've never been ignored, they are always pleasant and you can ask any one of the wait staff and they will give you a tea refill or get the check or whatever you want. I must be eating there too often. They have started delivering me an ice tea just after I sit down.

6) The waiter / waitress also is an important part of the community network. They shall, prior to attending to the newly arrived guests chat with all the other staff, and also do the same after taking drink orders but before turning them in and same with meal orders. Sometime important, earthshaking events are unfolding such as Maria is having a second kid and now she has narrowed down who might be the father to 3 people. This kind of information is more important than the diner's food. Also it prevents the food from coming to the table too hot, thereby preventing lawsuits for burning oneself on the food, thereby avoiding costly lawsuits.

simpsca wrote:This one is especially true since waiters usually make only tips from their clients and Spencer's post happens pretty often when the owner is not around. However I did recently tell the owner of Pannina that her staff was the best I've ever seen in 12 years of living here. I've never been ignored, they are always pleasant and you can ask any one of the wait staff and they will give you a tea refill or get the check or whatever you want. I must be eating there too often. They have started delivering me an ice tea just after I sit down.

6) The waiter / waitress also is an important part of the community network. They shall, prior to attending to the newly arrived guests chat with all the other staff, and also do the same after taking drink orders but before turning them in and same with meal orders. Sometime important, earthshaking events are unfolding such as Maria is having a second kid and now she has narrowed down who might be the father to 3 people. This kind of information is more important than the diner's food. Also it prevents the food from coming to the table too hot, thereby preventing lawsuits for burning oneself on the food, thereby avoiding costly lawsuits.

How I wish they were wheelchair friendly. Loved it all. Waiter/Waitress, Owner and food. Class-act for sure.

They have two very nice waiters and a burly parking lot guy. I'll bet they would carry your wheel chair in. The owner speaks English, If you called and asked I'm sure they would bring you in. One day when I was trying to park several people and the parking guy asked me not to park in front of the door, that someone who couldn't walk was coming in. If you go early they won't be too busy to accommodate you. They open at 11:30 and I find if I go in before 12 the parking lot has lots of spaces. And if you call ahead I'm sure they will reserve the spot in front for you. Just down two steps to eat in the garden.

I was there a couple weeks ago and they brought out a portable ramp for a woman who was leaving in a wheel chair. The waiter and waitress assisted and the owner supervised. I was impressed with the attention given to the woman.

Thanks to you both, that is just great to know.