Through the eyes of another

How Children View their Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.


SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS, ALMOST GRANDPARENTS, OR HECK, SEND IT TO EVERYONE.

IT WILL MAKE THEIR DAY!

ferret wrote:Sure made my day! I'll be passing them on for sure.

Can we start a thread on this?...things that your parents said that you said or others? I'll add my two and see how it goes.



1) A friend's five year old daughter had been going to Sunday School regularly. On Christmas eve, the family went to the evening service and it was dark when they left the church. When asked for her opinion on the evening she replied "I'd rather have the sun and the holy ghost."



2) I was in a hurry to learn how to read and my mother always placated me by saying "When you start school, you'll be able to read".

After the first day of school, I stormed into the house and threw down my jacket in frustration and turned to my mum and said "You TOLD me that when I started school that I'd be able to read...and I CAN'T".

Sure, why not. Loved your stories.

This is not about words but still I thought it was funny. My sister-In-Law tells the story about her small son (about 3) was in the bathroom putting the end of the toilet paper into the bowl and flushing, just to watch the roll spin. (this was back in the day when TP didn’t dissolve)

Just read this one.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

- "There's a car being towed from the parking lot, " he shouted. 


- "An ambulance just drove by!"- "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. 


- "Matt's riding a new bike!"


- "Looks like the Sanders are moving!"


- "Jason is on his skate board!"


- After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!"


Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"


"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Great stuff. Let's keep it going.

Our youngest grandson after his first day at school, made a serious protest the following morning when told he would be going again. Ohhhh no he said, I've already done school.

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of me wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Lard Jasus yes by'e, dats her."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know by'e, but she's good to the kids & a tolerable cook."

Sometimes ya just got to settle!

After Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit
my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!

Me buddy's missus left him last Thursday.

She said she was going out for a pint of milk and never came back!

I asked him how he was coping and he said,

“Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were mine."

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain,
is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband,
"it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"NO, I did NOT, it's 3am in the morning
and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told,
gets dressed,
and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks " What is wrong?? "

The boy says " Me ma is dead. "

" Oh bejaysus " the man says " Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? "

The boy replies " No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

hockables wrote:

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks " What is wrong?? "

The boy says " Me ma is dead. "

" Oh bejaysus " the man says " Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? "

The boy replies " No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment."

Now thats funny.
Priest has a flat tire,mechanic changes tire,priest ask's the mechanic are those lug nuts tight,tighter than a nun's &%$# replies the mechanic,in that case you might want to give them another turn with that wrench,replies the priest.

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .

It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland."

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
Desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a
Little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need
Water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not
Want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
Bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you
Will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later
He staggered back, almost dead and says,
"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

LOL

Well one day Harry the Eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years.

After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!

Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest.

The sex was good but all the dove would say is .......... 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this so got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate..

He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is........

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!' So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....




NO, The duck didn't say THAT !

... Don't be SO disgusting!



The duck said....






'I am a DRAKE,
You made a MISTAKE!!

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!" The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

hockables wrote:

Sorry, this is just too funny, I have to bump it up. It's short!

Merry

When Grandma Goes To Court
Humor; Posted on: 2008-01-17 20:06:02 [ Printer friendly / Instant flyer ]


Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the
difference.

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was: --- "Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a massive failure because :
1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.